Because they’re programmed to fall in love with narcissists---men who are glamorous, self-centred, difficult, intensely vulnerable...and who push all the right romantic buttons.
Narcissism is a personality type – recognised by psychiatrists and psychoanalysts – that goes far beyond vanity. In America the word is now commonly used to describe men who might, 20 years ago, have simply been called “bastards”. But the idea of narcissism describes something about human nature far more specific and interesting than that.
True narcissists could be described as emotional vampires – they have a sense of self-importance that depends on the admiration of others but, at the same time, are often incapable of understanding how other people feel. Their innate uncertainty about their worth gives rise to them concocting a self-protective aura of grandiosity and arrogance, often weaving a fantasy world to prop it up.
Psychiatrists believe there could be 600,000 people in the UK who are narcissistic to such as degree that they are a problem to society, but lesser narcissists surround us every day. It’s a potentially destructive combination for those around them. But the irony is that narcissists, just like all those sexy vampires in the movies, are often very successful at attracting women. That’s because the aura they give off conforms to some of our stereotypes of the dark leading man. Who, for example, could be more of a romantic hero than Jane Austen’s Mr Darcy?
The qualities that have made him the object of feminine drooling are also the qualities that psychiatrists define as being characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder. Here’s Darcy as described by Jane Austen: handsome and conscious of his appearance; proud, giving the appearance of being above everyone else; emotionally self-contained. Now let’s look at some of the characteristics of the narcissistic personality, as defined by the American Psychiatric Association: “grandiose sense of self-importance”, “requires excessive admiration”, “shows arrogant, haughty behaviour”. A resemblance?
And what is it about Darcy that makes Elizabeth Bennet fall in love with him? It’s a side that no one else can see – a sensitivity and vulnerability. It’s part of the thrill of romance. “You do not know what he really is; pray do not pain me by speaking of him in such terms,” says Elizabeth. All this is characteristic of falling in love with a narcissist. The accounts of modern women who’ve fallen for these narcissistic types show that the relationship often ends in tears.
The narcissist: monster or prince?
“I think one of the ways I got hooked into the relationship is that Roger made me feel as if I was the only person on the planet that understood him,” says Nancy, 33, who has been involved with a narcissist for eight years.
“That’s quite a powerful thing because it puts one in a position of real responsibility. He appeals to a certain kind of woman. It’s a sort of Beauty and the Beast story – only you can turn the monster into a handsome prince. And when Roger shines his light on someone, it makes them feel very special.”
These male characteristics that women have found alluring for centuries are also classic manifestations of a narcissistic personality. Yet narcissistic men are, by their nature, difficult to relate to long-term – their outlook is so self-centred that they find it very difficult to have insight into other people’s feelings. They are not givers or empathisers, and that makes a relationship with a narcissist a one-way-street.
It wasn’t long before Nancy began to realise that Roger didn’t exactly love her – he was using her to feed his ravenous ego. Not only was he completely lacking in sympathy for her problems, he was causing them by constantly making her feel worthless. That way, he could feel more important.
“Roger is incredibly manipulative, so he constantly makes me believe I’m not good at what I do, be it at work or at home. Everything makes him jealous, so he’s got to be better than me. He doesn’t believe I have any talent at all. He’s also made me believe that I’m incredibly selfish, and that nobody really likes me, and everyone has a Machiavellian reason for hanging out with me.”
The narcissist: an impulsive romantic?
Let’s add another classic Mills & Boon ingredient: the whirlwind romance. Narcissists are masters of the grand romantic gesture. Unfortunately, the gestures are the whole deal, symptomatic of these men’s need to show off and be the centre of attention.
Here’s a woman called Rosie talking about former boyfriend John. “I was made to feel special with incredible letters and poems, and little thoughtful things like him remembering everything I said I liked, and then weeks, possibly months later, buying them as presents. I mentioned that I used to collect hippos as a child, and he went out and bought as many toy and model hippos as he could find. And I heard from mutual friends that he talked about me admiringly all the time, which was very flattering.”
The narcissist: monster or prince?
“I think one of the ways I got hooked into the relationship is that Roger made me feel as if I was the only person on the planet that understood him,” says Nancy, 33, who has been involved with a narcissist for eight years.
“That’s quite a powerful thing because it puts one in a position of real responsibility. He appeals to a certain kind of woman. It’s a sort of Beauty and the Beast story – only you can turn the monster into a handsome prince. And when Roger shines his light on someone, it makes them feel very special.”
These male characteristics that women have found alluring for centuries are also classic manifestations of a narcissistic personality. Yet narcissistic men are, by their nature, difficult to relate to long-term – their outlook is so self-centred that they find it very difficult to have insight into other people’s feelings. They are not givers or empathisers, and that makes a relationship with a narcissist a one-way-street.
It wasn’t long before Nancy began to realise that Roger didn’t exactly love her – he was using her to feed his ravenous ego. Not only was he completely lacking in sympathy for her problems, he was causing them by constantly making her feel worthless. That way, he could feel more important.
“Roger is incredibly manipulative, so he constantly makes me believe I’m not good at what I do, be it at work or at home. Everything makes him jealous, so he’s got to be better than me. He doesn’t believe I have any talent at all. He’s also made me believe that I’m incredibly selfish, and that nobody really likes me, and everyone has a Machiavellian reason for hanging out with me.”
The narcissist: an impulsive romantic?
Let’s add another classic Mills & Boon ingredient: the whirlwind romance. Narcissists are masters of the grand romantic gesture. Unfortunately, the gestures are the whole deal, symptomatic of these men’s need to show off and be the centre of attention.
Here’s a woman called Rosie talking about former boyfriend John. “I was made to feel special with incredible letters and poems, and little thoughtful things like him remembering everything I said I liked, and then weeks, possibly months later, buying them as presents. I mentioned that I used to collect hippos as a child, and he went out and bought as many toy and model hippos as he could find. And I heard from mutual friends that he talked about me admiringly all the time, which was very flattering.”
The narcissist: a glamorous achiever?
There’s another characteristic of narcissists that tends to make them superficially attractive people romantically: their fantasy world. Some narcissists can create an alluring impression of wealth and ability to build their self-esteem. They believe themselves to be on a par with high achievers – so they will always want to be seen in the right circles, with the right people and in the right places – hanging out at the best bars, clubs, restaurants.
WHY WOMEN FALL FOR NARCISSISTS
Why should women be susceptible to the charms of men who will often make their lives so difficult? There are three possible reasons.
1) Because of the nature of love We are drawn romantically to people whose vulnerabilities dovetail with our own. We are attracted to people who need us as well as want us. And narcissists are some of the neediest people around. Many psychoanalysts believe that narcissism is a form of regression back to childish self-absorption, resulting from emotional neglect by parents in early life. Children who have never learnt empathy from their parents, and who have failed to gain their love or attention, grow up protecting themselves against further rejection. They do this by creating a concocted shell of self-sufficiency and grandiosity around themselves. But inside that shell is a vulnerable child. Some psychoanalysts believe that lovers subconsciously think their partner can compensate for any lack of love in their earlier lives. If you talk to relationship counsellors, they’ll tell you that is about an emotional “fit” – where a sense of romantic oneness is created, with each partner compensating for the other’s deficiencies. It’s partly what creates that fabulous in-love feeling of finding the only person in the world who’s right for you.
This euphoric state invariably doesn’t last. How could it? You simply can’t live life like that. Normally, as a relationship settles down, it moves on to a stage where the lovers subconsciously realise that the other can’t provide all their emotional needs, or repair emotional damage single-handedly. Each partner recognises the independence of the other, adjusting their behaviour and trying to take into account the other’s individuality. But narcissists find this impossible. Their in-built sensitivity and their fear of humiliation is so great that they find the threat of “oneness” ending quite frightening.
2) Because it holds an evolutionary advantage There’s an evolutionary theory that women are hard-wired to fall in love with strong, domineering and erratic types. It’s espoused by David Buss, a psychology professor at the University of Texas, and it works like this.
From a biological point of view, both men and women are looking for the same thing when selecting a partner – someone who is likely to give them healthy offspring who will be able to flourish into adulthood. So males look for signals that suggest fertility, and females look for signals that suggest high status and economic security. The qualities that narcissists display – dominance, high status, ambition – are exactly those that women are drawn to. Even if narcissistic men are not actually successful (and many are) most throw off signals of status – such as arrogance – and get the girl.
3) Because of their own background Scientists believe that some women who have themselves come from a background where parents expected the world to revolve around them may be more likely to find narcissistic traits desirable. They would have assumed that narcissism was normal.
Even if we don’t fully understand the reasons why some women seem to be more attracted to narcissistic men than others, it is reasonable to consider the possibility that it is an emotional vulnerability of some sort that aligns their poles to the particular magnetic draw of narcissistic men. This isn’t bad; it’s just how humans are.
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